man, I ain't happy here

I think I always knew I wouldn't be. I'd hoped for a sea change in me, but I can't change the essential me. I can't be someone I'm not.

I had to move (for various reasons) and this was/is my best available option. And it does have good points -- the house and yard is nice (it has some irritating things, but so did my old place); I'm close to the vet, post office, bank, grocery, fed ex place, etc.; it is nice to have some family nearby.

But I'm not a people person. I sometimes crave contact, but when I deal with a person or people for any great length of time I just want him/her/them to go away and leave me the fuck alone. I tend to like people best in small amounts and at a distance.

What I do like is open spaces, the smell of plants -- the trees when they are budding out, the growing grass, the spring flowers, and the smell of growing corn, freshly cut hay, wild roses, honeysuckle, even autumn olive blooms in the sultry summer days. Going outside in the pitch black, still night to gaze at the stars. Taking a walk after a heavy snow in clear, cold, fresh air and not even being able to find the road because no one's been out. The wild animals -- lots of deer (I loved watching the fawns play in my fields -- running, jumping, bucking, and snorting. Absolutely adorable. They would sometimes nest in one of my fields or in the little woods in front of my house.), foxes, rabbits, owls, hawks, wild turkeys, all sorts of birds, even the raccoons and opossums. Being able to play my music at whatever volume I want because there is no one around to hear it. And silence. I love silence when I want it.

So now I live in a city. It's never dark, never silent, never smells good, people all over the place, and I haven't seen any wildlife except some birds (not nearly the variety although a couple neighbors have several bird feeders) and squirrels (lots of squirrels ).

I know I can't go back. But man, I ain't happy here.