should you?

Because you can do it, does that mean you should do it?

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. And what I've come up with, at least right now, is that it depends on the situation -- sometimes yes, and sometimes no. And now I'll try to explain.

I believe in a free and open society we have to be able to say and do things that annoy, irritate, offend, disgust, gall, rile, and vex others, and we have to allow others to do the same to us. It must be allowed for the simple fact we do not live in a homogeneous world. And to maintain that right, we must use it. We must say and do things that piss off others, because if we do not, the not will become a de facto law.

It would be grand if we all could say and do what we wanted with pissing anyone else off, but that's never gonna happen. So to maintain our rights to say and act freely we must be willing to push the envelope. The civil rights movement, women's suffrage (and other rights, such as to own property), gay rights -- the advances made in each of these would not have been made without people willing to annoy the crap out of other people. It's that whole squeaky wheel thing.

If we want to keep our hard earned freedoms we have both the right and even more importantly, the responsibility to push the envelope. And when that happens, some people will be angered and offended. But whether they realise it or not, the very actions that anger and offend them also protect their rights too.

So that's my yes answer.

Now for my no answer.

nd one of the incidents that got me thinking of this issue in the first place:

I have some blogs I regularly read and I sometimes read the blogs of some of the people who leave comments...and those often lead me to yet other blogs. Anyway, I found myself reading this really, really, really, really, really, really, super extra heavy duty conservative Christian (think dark ages...and then think more conservative than that ) guy's blog. I was astonished and infuriated by how backward and actually mean spirited his views were, so of course I whipped off a quite heated comment and left.

But over the next day or so, as my righteous indignation (oh yeah, I was cranked up) wore off I realised that my comment was also mean spirited and was unlikely to prove anything to him except perhaps that I acted like an ass. Now I doubt that I could have engaged in any type of meaningful dialog with this guy no matter how I responded, but by striking back with the intention of offending him without any possibility of achieving anything positive at all it just made me vindictive...and that in my book isn't a good enough reason to do something like that on an individual basis...even if I have the right.

And yet another example...a more commonplace one. The former neighbor lady I mentioned in my "I'll pray for you post" would sometimes say thing I disagree with...never really offensive per se, but things which would gall the hell out of me. For instance, her husband (before he got Alzheimer's) was never very bright and would never really have gotten very far in life without her to manage the business (farmer), buy the vehicles, raise the children (10! in a three bedroom house with one bathroom! )...pretty much do everything except work the fields and take care of the animals...and come to think of it she did plenty of that work too. But her husband was the boss. She catered to his every whim. There is no way in hell I would do that. No. Way. In. Hell.

But it's her life, not mine. It was her choice to live that life and she was happy with it. She considered her marriage a good one...and apparently for her it was. So when she would tell me about her day and what she had to do, who was I to tell her she was wrong? Was I happier in my life than she was in her's? And even if I was...would she be happier in my life than she would be in her's? When she'd talk to me, she didn't ask for my approval...just for a sympathetic ear. And that's what I tried to give, just as she did for me. I'm sure there were times she just shook her head over me, but to her great credit she never voiced those thoughts to me.

ugh

I'm sick again. Nothing major, just a touch of the flu I think. Still, it's making me miserable.

At least I have nothing major that needs to be done, so I can laze around and sleep most of the day and get over it.

Blah.

TerraPass

I'm thinking about getting a TerraPass this year. click here for more info. It doesn't cost much, especially for the car and amount I drive, but I like the idea of funding clean energy. I always thought it would be great to put solar panels on my house...never got around to that though.

And it's a reminder of how much each of us is responsible for the pollution in this world. At least from driving. We are responsible for tons more through the many things we consume. I remember finding a site once that would calculate the size of the "footprint" you made. The smaller the footprint the better. I was pleased to find mine, although large in comparison to much of the world's population, was small compared to the vast majority of people in the US and many other industrialized nations. I do like certain "stuff," but I'm not a huge consumer, so that made a big difference.

memory

A few years ago my brother told me he had a perfect memory. Luckily I was talking to him on the phone so I could cover up my laughter with an "aw crap! I just spilled my water!" or something similar. And he truly believes it. There can be four of us talking about a particular incident that happened when we were in school and he'll tell his version and it won't be anything at all like the versions of the other three (whose versions are all fairly similar to each others). And this happens consistently...his recollections don't jibe with anyone else's, yet he is sure his memory is "perfect."

What got me thinking about this right now is that last night we were talking and he said that he'd "always wanted to make a single unit rural mailbox and post out of rubber, like what they make horse buckets out of, so that when the fuckwits (sorry that's my word, but it's what they are ) try to smash it or run over it, it will just boing back up." Now when I heard that my little brain went "now wait a fucking minute, didn't I have that very idea several years back?"

I mean my brother hasn't lived in an area with rural mailboxes in 30 years, whereas I have only lived in a place that didn't have them for the past four and a half months. Furthermore, when he did live in a place with the rural mailboxes, no one ran over or smashed ours. However, after he was long gone and we moved to a new place we lost mailbox after mailbox -- they were stolen, smashed, or completely run down, sometimes several of them ruined or stolen in the space of a week. It was irritating as all hell because it was so senseless and petty...and because I'd have to replace the damned things. So who do you think is more likely to ponder making a fairly indestructible rural mailbox? Someone who hasn't had one in 30 years, or someone who's had to buy and put up dozens of the damned things?

I've had that type of thing happen several times...I'll tell someone something that happened to me or that I thought of and then weeks, months, or years later he/she will tell me the same story, but he/she will take the place of me. Now I don't think it's intentional, but it makes me wonder about what people actually do remember, and are our memories as true as we think they are? Sometimes when I hear some of the stories, especially now (since I've noticed this switching), I actually wonder if maybe I'm the one misremembering. I sometimes find myself thinking about or ever talking about something I remember...and then I think, wait a minute, did that really happen? There have been times I didn't honestly know, and other times where I realised that what I had been thinking was a memory was simply a particularly vivid dream. That always makes me feel kind of odd.

I do think most people remember the "big" stuff, but I do wonder about so many other, more minor memories (like thinking up the mailbox thing). It's not so much "Oh I can't remember that" or forgetting a name or a small detail, because I'm pretty sure the people who changed my stories, memories, etc., into theirs actually think they are remembering from their own lives. And how many of my memories are actually all mine too?

How many memories really are:

my delicate elusive memories
my half untrue
half dreampt up memories
my painted on
rose colour memories

?

"i'll pray for you" Part II

note to myself: don't drink a whole pot of tea within a couple of hours before going to bed. Gah! I hardly got any sleep. On the good side the cats got a lot of attention, I listened to my "sleep" cd (about five times...), and I continued to ponder the "I'll pray for you" comment.

First off I need to make up a new sleep cd. I made this one over a year ago, and while I still really like it, there are new and different songs that would also work well for relaxing/sleeping. Then I would have at least two to switch around occasionally. I do sometimes listen to a regular album, especially when I get a new one I love, but I've found these mix cds just about perfect for settling down and drifting off.

Now, on to the "I'll pray for you" thingie. As I noted in my entry yesterday that comment generally irritates me no end. But as I was waiting for the caffeine to wear off overnight I thought about this and realised I'm not always irritated by the comment. The irritation depends on the context and the manner in which it is said.

A former neighbor (not exactly next door, but a couple of miles away -- it was in the country), friend of my mum's (and while younger than my mum was, is reasonably close in age to her), is a super devout Catholic. We honestly don't agree on much of anything in religion, politics, education, even many social mores, but she is a really sweet, good human being. While I was taking care of my mum towards the end, she was taking care of her husband with advanced Alzheimer's, and we could talk to each other about things most other people couldn't understand. In many cases when I'd need help this woman would be the first person I'd call...it could even be in the dead of the night and she would come over or get someone to come over.

This woman often told me she would pray for me, and I took as it was obviously meant -- as a very sweet gesture of caring and concern for me. It was always offered without judgement or condemnation, and even though I don't share her belief, it felt good. To me it wasn't so much that she would ask a god to help me, but that she cared enough about me to let me know she cared for me in the manner that meant the most to her.

But so many people use "I'll pray for you" as a weapon. As I noted in my last entry so often it's used as a parting shot in an argument. The person will launch into a litany of what he or she thinks of as someone else's shortcomings and flaws, usually for no other reason than he/she disagrees with the person's ideas or lifestyle, making sure to try to inflict as much pain as possible and then, as the final icing on the cake, says "I'll pray for you." Ha! Why would I want someone who despises everything about me to pray for me? Furthermore, the person being so in tune with god and wanting to pray for some heathen has just shown him or herself to be a not very decent person. It smacks of contempt -- you are a poor, pitiful, unworthy heathen and I don't like you, but I will pray for you. Pfftt! Shouldn't the person actually show some affection, some actual caring before praying for someone? Without real care and concern, it is utterly condescending.

"I'll pray for you"

What a crock of shit that is. Virtually every time I hear that it is in the context of some nasty little twit who's gotten too deep into a discussion or argument and the only counter he/she has is to say "you are a sad and bitter person and I will pray for you." They can't come up with anything on their own, so they have to show their superiority by pointing out their direct line to god.

I'm just reading a thread about a band (INXS) and there are differences of opinion over the whole getting a new lead singer bit. Well one guy has been making these snide little comments when he disagrees with other people, but offers nothing of substance to the conversation. Another guy called him on it and asked him for the reasoning behind his comments. Nastiness ensued and a mod dropped in and told them to knock it off.

So now this guy (the "i'll pray for you" one) just posted a whiny "I don't look for trouble, it just finds me. I'm a friendly person. Other people like to start stuff and I'm blameless" -type post. And then the lovely "I'll pray for you" bit. Ha! But he does like to post nasty little comments and does it frequently (which is why the other person called him on it in this case). He even manages to get in several jabs while telling the other person he'll pray for him. Amazing.

I wonder if in his conversations with god he ever asks for help correcting his own flaws? Somehow I doubt it, because from what I see he doesn't think he has any.

If there is a god I can just imagine him/her/it looking at us and thinking "well, this batch is all fucked up. Think I'll scrap this one and give it another try elsewhere."