perception

I've been reading accounts of the Aussie Church shows these last couple weeks and although I really enjoy reading them I also sometimes get the nagging feeling I've missed something. And it's not that these shows are electric and the US shows were acoustic, because I really loved the shows I saw. It kind of a nagging feeling that the people do these write ups had more fun than I did.

Now I know that I had access and experiences at my series of shows that many Church fans would absolutely LOVE to have had. I know that. I did have a great and very special time. Yet there are times when I get the nagging feeling that other people had a better time. Then of course I feel like such a whiny twit -- "Wah! I didn't have as much fun as some other people seem to have had!" Yuck. How silly. And I hate it. I hate it in other people and I REALLY hate it in me. I'm sure the people I yammered on and on and on to after various shows thought I was pretty excited and had a hell of a lot of fun. And I did! When I think back over everything I remember what a great time I really did have. So writing this and thinking about it all has taken away the blahs I was feeling and replaced them with many really positive memories.

I do think that part of the reason for the whiny feelings in the first place are because these current write ups are new and it's been a couple of months since my shows. The really intense excitement has faded a bit, whereas for the people writing about the Aussie tour they are very fresh and that comes across. I need to finish up writing about my trip and the shows. Most will be just for me, and I think that's part of what has made writing about it so hard -- what do I put here and what don't I. But what I need to do is just write everything down and then pull up bits to post here.

And sometimes my perception of things is weird. In public I can be really shy and have a very hard time relaxing and enjoying the moment. I also tend to evaluate everything to death afterwards. So I was fairly cautious during the trip and shows and although I did have an excellent time I need to learn to realise people aren't always judging me (and if they are the hell with them!) and just relax and enjoy. And now I find myself comparing my experiences with other people's and wondering if mine measured up. I need to stop that and just enjoy the moment, both as it's happening and afterward.